by Maria Lagalante Schulz
Like most people, I find the concept of New Year’s resolutions both hopeful and hopeless. On New Year’s Eve, I feel heady with the notion of finally accomplishing all those things that I haven’t even come close to doing in my preceding decades of life.
I’ll lose that weight, get fit and love it, finish my book, paint the house, clean out all of my closets, start cooking from scratch, stumble upon a cure for cancer and maybe even work towards world peace.
Usually by January 10th, I’ve already broken my New Year’s resolutions. This leads to recriminations and remorse the following New Year’s Eve, when I look over my list and realize that I’ve failed yet again. So here, in no particular order, are the resolutions I think I have a good chance of keeping in 2011.
1) I will not lose weight.
a) That’s right, I’m not aiming to lose a dress size or to be on the back of any Special K boxes. I will not sign up for any online dieting programs that help me count my calories, spot all of the ways I’ve gone wrong, and make me hate myself more. I will instead add more fruits and vegetables to my meals. And if I do eat a cookie or candy bar, I will not wear a hair shirt or self-flagellate.
b) If I do lose weight, I will not tell anyone. I am tired of talking about my weight. If I should lose a few pounds following an illness (or during an illness), someone invariably says, “You look great!” So, let me get this straight…I’m possibly dying from a body-wasting affliction, but I should be glad because I lost weight and now I look good? How bad did I look before?
c) If I do lose weight, maybe I will tell a few people, because I can’t help myself. I’m not ruling anything out.
2) I will not climb Mount Everest. I never understood the saying, “why climb Mount Everest? Because it’s there.” So what? I don’t even take the five flights of stairs up to work, and they’re there too. No, mountain climbing is not for me. In all likelihood, I would never hear my Sherpa’s warnings. When he told me to tie my cramp-on, I would say, “Huh?” fall off a precipice and die of starvation, frostbite and multiple compound fractures. The only way it could get worse is if there was a Great White shark waiting for me below. Instead, I’ll keep climbing the hills near my house with my dog on her leash. When it’s icy and she sees a cat, it’s just as dangerous.
3) I will not teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. I might, however, buy some friends a Coke. I tried to swear off soda last year, and I was great from January to April. But then, Easter came…and my old Lenten habits kicked in. It was Easter Sunday! Jesus rose from the dead! Surely he wanted me to have a Coke to celebrate.
4) I will find a fitness program that I like and stick with it. I will ride my bike, jump rope, walk the dog, and do kettle bells. Here’s what I won’t do:
b) I will not take Hot Yoga in a 105-degree classroom. I have enough problems with regular yoga. Yes, I know it’s a great thing for your mind and body. I also know that, like my mother before me, I can’t do a class without wanting to lapse into a coma. My mother’s yoga instructor at Elaine Powers used to compliment her on her relaxed state before she realized my mother was sound asleep. Knowing me, I would probably pass out in a pretzel shape and die of heat exhaustion.
c) I will not sign up for Spin classes with a teacher who screams at me. How is that motivating? I have been on the verge of cardiac arrest while my teacher screamed, “What’s the matter? You can’t do it?” No. It’s not that I can’t. It’s that my soon to be lifeless body won’t.
5) I will read more books and watch less TV. Unless, of course, there’s a really great TV show on that I can’t miss because I don’t want to. Then, I’ll watch TV more and read less. I think the key to success here is flexibility.
6) I will write every day. Or maybe every three days. I don’t have to complete the great American novel by 2012, but I can write another blog post. Or short story. Or work on my book about my family. I am pretty sure that my children, nieces and nephews, and possibly grandchildren will be published long before I am. But that’s okay! If they can get a publisher to look at my work, I’m in!
7) I will not start smoking. Since I have never smoked a day in my life, I am not going to start now. I saw the price of a pack of cigarettes is about $11. WHAT? My father used to give me $1 and let me keep the change. There’s no way he’d let me keep the change from a $20 bill. I will just have to stick to candy cigarettes.
8) I will take a class and learn something new. I’m not even joking about this one. My husband bought me a gift certificate to a cooking school, where I’m going to learn how to cook soup. Apparently, the broth-making technique is a killer, and you’re not considered a soup-making guru just because you know how to use a can-opener. I’m excited and terrified. It’s bringing me back to the days when I worked as a deli cook and my boss taught me how to make roast beef, turkey, Virginia ham, potato salad, macaroni salad, Cole slaw and rice pudding—and I almost burned the place to the ground.
9) I will enjoy more time with my friends. Remember when you were a kid and you’d have hours of free time to meet your best friend and talk, laugh, ride bikes, or just walk around town? It’s been a long time since I enjoyed that kind of freedom. Nowadays, I don’t see my friends nearly enough. I did end the year on the right note by seeing West Side Story with my beloved friend, Lisa. Although we’re native New Yorkers, we made a tourist’s mistake by getting tickets for the last Saturday before Christmas. The streets were so crushed with traffic that I had to ditch my car on 55th and Park, and walk uptown to 56th and Broadway to meet Lisa at a sushi restaurant. For those of you who don’t know Manhattan, that’s really REALLY far. But it was worth it! I’m not sure if Lisa got home to New Jersey yet, but I’m sure she’ll agree with me if she ever gets there.
10) I will write more blog posts about my sister-in-law, Kathie. She seems to think my blog would be a lot more interesting if I wrote about her. I am working on future blog posts right now.
11) I will not bring a chimpanzee into my home as my surrogate son/pet.
I have enough problems getting my dog off the couch. You have to wonder about people who bring wild animals into their homes and say things like, “he was always so sweet! He played Solitaire on the computer! He drank red wine! But then he snapped and killed every member of my family.” Um, yes. That’s what wild animals will do, especially when you ply them with red wine and let them troll on the Internet all day long.
12) I will eat more chocolate. I’m not sure this is physically possible, but I promise to try.
Why not eat more chocolate with me? Here’s a toffee recipe that looks delicious:
Or how about a Hot Chocolate to warm you up:
So, what’s your New Year’s resolution? Do you have a funny story to share about resolutions gone wrong? What’s the most ridiculous thing you vow not to do this year? Share your thoughts and let us all in on the fun.
BTW, WordPress send me the stats below as a way to let me know how my blog is doing. My blog health-o-meter reads “Wow.” I feel just like I did when I’d get a gold star back in 2nd grade. Yipeey!
The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:
The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.
A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 2,100 times in 2010. That’s about 5 full 747s.
In 2010, there were 19 new posts, not bad for the first year! There were 96 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 30mb. That’s about 2 pictures per week.
The busiest day of the year was April 7th with 72 views. The most popular post that day was Let’s Eat.
Where did they come from?
The top referring sites in 2010 were networkedblogs.com, facebook.com, mail.yahoo.com, WordPress Dashboard, and webmail.aol.com.
Some visitors came searching, mostly for almond joy, blow pops, charleston chews candy, tales from a hungry life, and candy cigarettes.
Attractions in 2010
These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.
Let’s Eat April 2010
I Like Candy November 2010
Chock Full Of Nuts April 2010
Summer Reading June 2010
Love and Cookies August 2010