Tales From A Hungry Life

February 12, 2014

What’s Your Valentine’s I.Q.?

by Maria Schulz

Here we are, about to celebrate yet another Valentine’s Day. So…did you buy that special someone a gift yet? By “special someone,” I mean your:





I thought I’d do my part by providing a public service to those who either: 1) were born without a brain; or 2) are clueless when it comes to Valentine’s Day. Just take this simple test to discover your Valentine’s I.Q. Remember: there are no wrong answers.

(By the way…of course there are wrong answers. It wouldn’t be much of a test if there were only right answers. Duh.)

Here we go….

Here we go….

1. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, your sweetheart says that as long as you’re in his/her life, there’s no need for a gift. This is obviously heartfelt and true—and releases you from all gift-giving obligations.

TRUE    or    FALSE 

2. Last year, you bought your sweetie so many gifts that he/she said you don’t have to get anything next year. Now that it’s next year, you consider your sweetie’s words from last year as a binding covenant, so you are free and clear.

TRUE    or    FALSE

3. One year, you bought your beloved a dust buster and he/she absolutely loved it! In fact, he/she also loved the vacuum, toaster oven, and garage door opener you got them in years past.

TRUE    or    FALSE

4. You notice that your mate has packed on some pounds since last year. In fact, he/she explicitly told you NOT to bring him/her candy for Valentine’s Day. You believe this is a good idea and by the way, pretty necessary, and you think that saying so (and affirming said mate’s intelligence and wisdom) is a great idea.

TRUE    or    FALSE

5. In the good old U.S.A., about 2/3 of the men will make no plans for Valentine’s Day.

TRUE    or    FALSE

6. About 15% of American women will send themselves flowers this Valentine’s Day.

TRUE    or    FALSE

Taking the world by storm

Taking the world by storm

7. Years before the Cadbury egg took the Easter-candy-loving-world by storm, Richard Cadbury invented the first Valentine’s Day box of chocolates.

TRUE    or    FALSE

8. A cemetery plot is NOT considered a romantic Valentine’s Day gift by 99.9% of any population, anywhere.

TRUE    or    FALSE

There had better be an engagement ring in there

There had better be an engagement ring in there

9. It would be ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS if you took your girlfriend to a fancy restaurant, handed her a ring box, got down on your knees…and pulled an ankle bracelet out of the box instead of an engagement ring. You could then post the video on YouTube for all to see, because your girlfriend’s stricken look will be PRICELESS!

TRUE    or    FALSE

10. Your mate is a guy, so obviously you don’t have to get him anything.

TRUE    or    FALSE


1. FALSE. You silly, silly person. There are many things we say to our mates to make them happy. Your mate is obviously just blowing smoke up your butt and/or lying to stroke your ego. Just remember: it’s all about the gift, STUPID.

2. FALSE. Last year is over, done, DEAD. You cannot and WILL NOT get any brownie points for last year’s gifts. As the clown in that Seinfeld episode tells George when he’s going on and on about Bozo the Clown, “you’re living in the past, man.” You need to go get a gift (See #1).

You're living in the past, man

You’re living in the past, man


3. FALSE. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, screams: “I thought so little of you that I bought you an appliance on Valentine’s Day.” Ever wonder why the romance died? This is why.

Emergency Broadcast System

4. FALSE. This is a test, genius. Remember those annoying tests from the Emergency Broadcast System that always interrupted your favorite episode of “I Dream of Jeannie?” This is the REAL test, only you didn’t know it because there’s no annoying gonging noise interrupting your TV show.

Under NO circumstances are you to:

a) Arrive home without a heart-shaped box of candy

b) Give him/her a heart-shaped box of candy with a gym membership inside

c) Agree, on any level, EVER, with any statement that goes like this: “I’m getting fat, so don’t do anything that’s romantic or food related on Valentine’s Day.” Or any other day, either.

5. TRUE. This, unfortunately, is the case. My advice to you is: DO NOT BE ONE OF THESE GUYS. And if by chance you’re a woman who wants to go out with your sweetie on Valentine’s Day but you are pretty sure your man isn’t going to make any plans, MAKE THE RESERVATIONS YOURSELF. Who says it’s his job? You wanted equality, well here it is. Now you know the downside.

6. TRUE. Yes, for whatever reason, some women will do this. Good for them! A little self-love never killed anybody. However, if you are the man/woman attached to this person, I’d watch out.

heart shaped box

7. TRUE. The Cadbury egg did take the world by storm. And, more importantly, Richard Cadbury did invent the heart-shaped candy box in the 1800s. Obviously, the man knew what he was doing, because that Valentine’s Day gift is still wildly popular almost 200 years later. Should you go buy one? See answer #1.

8. TRUE. The only person I ever met who thought a cemetery plot was a wildly imaginative and romantic gift was my brother. It left his wife scratching her head and sort of confused. He should’ve just gotten her a heart-shaped box of chocolates and possibly a dust buster.

Danger, Will Robinson!

Danger, Will Robinson!

9. FALSE. Although I know I’d be laughing and in convulsions if you did this and I watched the whole video unfold—with your girlfriend FREAKING OUT and being led away in handcuffs after she attacked you—that kind of viral video is probably not going to do your relationship any favors. Just to clarify: THIS IS NOT FUNNY!

Get wrapping

Get wrapping

10. FALSE. This may come as a shock to some of you, but men really do have feelings. If they are supposed to let the ones they adore know that they are loved and cherished, don’t you think their partners should return the favor? Either you’re all in or you’re all out. True equals. Boy, this equality thing sure has teeth.


8 – 10: Romantic Genius: You are obviously more on the ball than The Million Dollar Matchmaker and Michael Buble, combined. You know how to make this whole Valentine’s Day schtick work. I salute you!

5-8: Bright Enough: While you are still a romantic work in progress, you are as adorable as a 12 year old boy who is clueless but wants to do the right thing. You are 2Cute2B4Gotten and you get a big thumbs up for trying. Just remember: Happy Wife/Happy Life. This applies to Happy Husband/Happy Life too, I just couldn’t figure out a word that rhymes with “Husband.”

2-4: Romantic Neanderthal: Your romantic inclinations expose you as a knuckledragger. Come on, it’s really not that hard. Do one or two nice things and you can move up to Flawed but Forgiven. It sure beats the doghouse.

0-1: Brainless One-Celled Organism. When they coined the term “hopeless,” they had you in mind. Your nicknames are: “Ameba,” “Troglodyte,” and “No You Can’t Have My Number.” You are like that ramshackle house on the TV Show “House Hunters” that seems to have charm but would take years off your life if you attempted to fix it up. You need too much work. Perhaps it’s time to do some self-improvement, unless you like languishing on the market FOREVER.


Get Yo’ Man Chicken


This recipe is from the Neely’s and it got rave reviews. For my personal taste, I’d probably swap out the chicken thighs and use white meat instead. Your call!

Love Bites


They say that oysters are an aphrodisiac, and these look pretty delicious…so why not try something a little bit different? Plus, I liked the name.

Chocolate Covered Strawberries


You will get an A+ for effort…but these don’t look all that hard to make.



Almost Famous Conversation Hearts




Be a kid again…or get the conversation started with these candies/cookies that are a throwback to when you were in grade school and HOPED HOPED HOPED you’d get a Valentine from that kid you were obsessed with.

So, Hungry Lifers: what was your score? Are you a Romantic Genius or a One-Celled Organism? Will you do anything special this Valentine’s Day? Please leave a comment below and let us all know. Thanks!

Happy Valentine’s Day!



  1. Ok Maria, I was in target with my husband and I said, ” hey should we pick out Valentines Day cards while we are here?” His reply, ” that’s great, pick yourself a nice one.” To be funny I started to pick myself out one but put it back.

    Comment by Suzanne — February 12, 2014 @ 11:24 am | Reply

  2. 99.9% wouldn’t want a cemetery plot? LOL! What are the other 1%? Vampires? Zombies? Mob wives? 🙂 Hope you get roses, chocolates in a heart-shaped box, champagne, chocolate-covered strawberries, a giant Teddy bear, a Pajamagram, another diamond ring, a romantic candlelight dinner and a Roomba for Valentine’s Day! ❤

    Comment by wordimprovisor177 — February 12, 2014 @ 11:28 am | Reply

  3. My whole feeling about giving gifts on special days is that it is unnecessary after all the gift of love and commitment is ever lasting. I was married for a little over 50 years and did not follow that feeling AND that is why I was married for a little over 50 years.

    Comment by Bglou — February 12, 2014 @ 2:10 pm | Reply

  4. Valentines’s Day – too much pressure.
    But, I must say my husband was disappointed when I told him I promised to take the kids to Bounce for the evening with friends. He had arranged a babysitter for an evening out.
    I said it would be too crowded and would rather not.
    I guess he passes the test and I fail miserably.
    Oh well…

    Comment by sussman81 — February 12, 2014 @ 8:50 pm | Reply

  5. Hopefully Tony is paying attention to your hints and suggestions. This way I can get a good Valentine’s present. His favorite thing when it comes to holidays is, I’ll take you shopping and you can pick out whatever you want. Sometimes this is good because I get what I like but there is something to be said about being surprised. Well at least he can’t get me another cemetery plot.

    Comment by Kathleen Lagalante — February 13, 2014 @ 6:52 pm | Reply

  6. Now Maria I have to comment on the cemetery plot gift and defend this thoughtful present. The history behind this was that I was being hounded to be thoughtful and not leave my wife with all the arrangements when I pass on. Mom just died the month before and all these emotions were flying around, especially because the two of us were in the process of making the arrangements for the funeral and burial. This was not an inexpensive gift and to tell the truth I didn’t want to pay out that much money at that time for anything. If I had my way I’d be a cadaver. So I thought giving her eternal real estate would show that I was committed forever to her (even after death), I had been listening to what she was saying, and that the gift was very unique. How many of her family and friends could say they got this for Valentine’s day? You can bet I will not get her the same thing on another Valentine’s day. And I didn’t forget a card.

    Comment by Tony Lagalante — February 13, 2014 @ 9:17 pm | Reply

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