by Maria Schulz
Some of the teenagers in the neighborhood have finished their driver’s ed classes, and you know what that means? Pretty soon, they’ll start drag racing and singing: “Go Greased Lightning, you’re burning up the quarter mile. Greased Lightning! Go Greased Lightning!”
Oh wait…this isn’t Grease. As the kids might say, this is like, for real.
So what does it actually mean? It means that our teens are about to become licensed citizens who will encounter the joys of driving on a daily basis. Since most of them are spending their lives studying for the SAT, I thought I’d give them a little information, in a format they’re familiar with, to help them learn some important driving facts. Parents, feel free to administer this test as often as necessary.
10 Simple Questions For Your Teen Driver
1. At the start of every trip, it is important to always:
a) Adjust your mirrors so you can see traffic
b) Tilt your rearview mirror so you can apply makeup while you drive
c) Use your mirrors to check if there’s any dye from your Big Gulp on your teeth
d) You mean I have mirrors?
Answer: A, and yes, you have mirrors.
2. When driving in the left lane, make sure you always:
a) Drive at least 75 mph faster than everyone else
b) Hit the gas if someone tries to go around you
c) Press the gas pedal hard enough to plunge it through the floorboards
d) Obey the speed limit, especially if you see a cop or your parents
Answer: D, only obey it all the time, even if cops and parents are not visible.
3. The person in the car ahead of you is so ancient that carbon dating could be used to accurately predict her age. You should:
a) Scream out the window, “get your a#$ outta my lane, you dinosaur!” even though she probably won’t hear you anyway
b) Slow down. NOW.
c) Learn how to spot such “dinosaurs” from about 200 yards away so that you can avoid them in the future.
d) Blast your horn at them repeatedly so they will either move or drop dead, enabling you to make the next light.
Answer: B. Go. Slow. NOW.
4. You are driving when your favorite song comes on the radio. You must:
a) Lower all the windows and sing to the top of your lungs
b) Steer with your feet while dancing to the Bom Bom song
c) Call everyone you know with your non-hands-free device and tell ‘em what’s on
d) Pay attention to the road
Answer: D, moron.
5. It is raining/snowing/hailing outside. Now would be a good time to:
a) Wonder why you didn’t replace your broken windshield wipers
b) See if you can make the car do “donuts” in the middle of the road
c) Drive in a zig-zag pattern, just like that cool TV commercial with the tiny legalese at the bottom that says: “Professional driver on closed road. Do not attempt.” But, like, you’re gonna DO IT!
d) Slow down. NOW
Answer: D. As in “Duh.”
6. While driving home from a keg party, you notice a police check point. You:
a) Hook a U-ey and GET THE HELL OUTTA THERE.
b) Put down your phone and hope the coppers didn’t see you texting
c) NEVER EVER DRINK AND DRIVE. Or text and drive.
d) Down a box of tic tacs right before you get to checkpoint Charlie
Answer: C. As your kind says, “obvi.”
7. Your Junior License clearly states that you may only drive to work and school from 7 am – 9 pm. So that means:
a) It’s okay to drive to the movies at 10 pm every night of the week
b) I can only drive to school or work from 7 am – 9 pm.
c) Um, like, if I’m going to Sandy’s house for, like, a party, and like, we talk about stuff that happened in Mr. Schaeffer’s class, like, does that count?
d) But officer, I’m all out of ring dings.
Answer: B. Like, really.
8. Your Junior License also states that you are NOT ALLOWED to have other teenagers in your car. So that means:
a) No teenagers in your car
b) Your friends must walk, even though their leg muscles atrophied a long time ago from lack of use
c) Like, nobody really expects you to follow that rule. Right?
d) What’s the point of having a license if you can’t get 50 friends into your car?
Answer: A. As your hero, SpongeBob might say: Really, really, really, REALLY.
9. Your fellow classmates are taking Driver’s Ed classes now. This means you should:
a) Ride up to their bumpers and play chicken with them
b) Get one of those “truck” horns and blast it repeatedly
c) Give the “newbies” lots of room
d) Drive in a zig-zag motion to completely FREAK THEM OUT.
Answer: C. It’s not rocket science, genius.
10. Congratulations! You’ve turned 17 and now you’re a full-fledged driver. To celebrate, you should:
a) Pick up every teenager around and cram them into your car, like the clowns you are
b) Drive like you have a brain in your head
c) See if you can get the car to go airborne when you gun it down a hill
d) Blast your new “La Cucaracha” horn
Answer: B. You do have a brain in there, right?
Strawberry Spinach Salad
This recipe got 5 stars and looks delicious. I chose this recipe because it made me think of my salad days, and because it’s important to keep your strength up when driving and/or dealing with teens.
So, Hungry Lifers: what’s your best tip for a new teen driver? Please leave a comment below and let us all know. Thanks!