Tales From A Hungry Life

March 26, 2014

Laughs in Religion Class

by Maria Schulz

As a former Catholic school student, I attended my fair share of religion classes. When I was a kid, my mother taught CCD (religion class), and sometimes I would help her. My father ran a program for the mentally retarded and deaf communities and taught religion as well. So, it was only natural that one day, I would teach Faith Formation (religion class) too.

Minutes before our religion classes started, the kids rushed in, exhausted and hungry from a long day at school. So, to revive them, we’d put out fruit, cookies and brownies. After they grabbed their treat, they’d trudge off to religion class and the fun would begin.

Award winning!

Award winning!

Anyone who spends time with kids knows that they will come out with the most original answers to any question. They will also tell you things about their parents that no parent really wants shared, which is part of the fun. I was always guaranteed at least one funny story a week.

Here, in no particular order, are some of the best questions or stories I ever heard about religion class, either as a student or teacher myself, or from other students/teachers. Ready? Here goes…

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When we got to the lesson about Holy Week in our Kindergarten class, I tried to talk about Good Friday in a way that wouldn’t upset anyone. Which wasn’t easy, especially because of the way Jesus died. I got through the entire lesson without anyone crying when one of my students raised his hand.

“Why did Jesus have to die?” he said.

“He died to save us from our sins,” I replied.

With that, another one of my 5-year-old students put her head on her desk and sobbed.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!” she replied.

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While teaching the same class about the Resurrection, I got up to the part about the angels rolling the stone away from the tomb.

“And on this first Easter Sunday morning, who do you think came out?” I asked.

“The Easter Bunny!” my students shouted.

Right?

Right?

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In another class, the subject of death came up when one of my students raised his hand.

“Why do we have to die?” he said.

“We die so we can go on to a better life with God.”

“But I like it here!”

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I got you babe

I got you babe

When talking to my 4th grade class, the subject of chastity came up.

“Mrs. Schulz, what does chastity mean?”

Before I could respond, another student’s hand shot up.

“I know! I know!” he said.

“Really?” I replied. “Okay. What does it mean?”

“My mom says that’s Cher’s daughter. Only now he’s a guy named Chaz.”

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At Christmas time:

Me: “God so loved the world that he sent His only Son. So what does Jesus want for us?”

Little Boy: “He wants Santa Claus to build me a Playstation,” my student replied.

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Me: So today we’re going to talk about Christmas. Does anyone have any questions?

Little Boy: Yes! How do Jesus and Santa Claus know each other?

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While in Church:

Amen

Amen

Priest: We pray to the Father, Son…and who else?

Girl: The Holy Goat.

Priest: The Holy Goat? Who told you that?

Girl: Grandpa. He always says, “In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Goat.”

Priest: Grandpa is being funny. When he was a child, sometimes they called the Holy Spirit ‘the Holy Ghost.’

Girl: Huh? Why would you pray to a ghost?

(Apparently, praying to a goat makes a lot more sense)

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Kumbaya

Kumbaya

Priest: What does being Catholic mean to you?

Little Boy: It means helping others, just like Jesus did.

Priest: Excellent! What else?

Little Boy: Singing songs like Kumbaya?

Priest: Great answer! Does it mean anything else to your family?

Little Boy: Um…oh yeah! It means ruining holidays by making us go to Church that day! At least, that’s what my Dad always says.

************************************************************************************************************************

Back in religion class:

Me: And so, Jesus fed 5,000 people with just a couple of loaves of bread and some fish. What do you think of that?

Little Girl: I’d rather have peanut butter and jelly, thanks.

Now this is a real crowd pleaser

Now this is a real crowd pleaser

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Teacher: Today we are talking about what it means to become a saint. Does anyone know what the word ‘canonized’ means?

Awkward silence; all students avoid eye contact.

Teacher: Come on! Doesn’t anyone know? Can anyone guess?

Little Girl: It means to be shot out of a cannon?

Get ready to be sainted!

Get ready to be sainted!

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Boy: Mrs. Schulz, what kind of nails did they use to kill Jesus?

Mrs. Schulz: Let’s not focus on that. Let’s talk about Easter.

Boy: But those must’ve been really long nails. I mean, to go through someone’s hands and feet. Where did they get those nails? Can you get them at the hardware store?

Mrs. Schulz: Forget about the nails. Let’s move on now, sweetheart. Your classmates are getting upset.

Boy: Okay.  Mrs. Schulz, do you really believe any of this stuff?

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So...do you think Jesus was old?

So…do you think Jesus was old?

Nun: And so, Jesus died a very young man. He was only 33. Don’t you think that’s young?

Boy: Nah. Thirty-three is ancient!

Nun: I disagree. Thirty-three is very young.

Boy: It really isn’t, sister. My dad says that 33 was considered old 2,000 years ago.

Nun: (red-faced now, clutching her yardstick): I said it was young.

Boy: Yeah, I heard you. But I gotta say, Sister, I think you’re wrong.

Nun: (whacks yardstick across knuckles): What do you say now?

Boy: Ouch! Well, my mom always says my dad doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

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At a roundtable discussion with parents and young teens:

Priest: What’s your favorite Bible story?

Girl: I like the story of Jesus and the Leopards. One day, I hope to get a job feeding and caring for leopards.

Priest (who has misunderstood her): Lepers? Really? I think that is commendable.

Girl: Well, you know. Someone has to do it.

Priest: You know, there were many lepers in my country. Sometimes they would lose an eye or a finger. It was truly terrible. This is truly the work of a saint and I am proud that you would want to do that.

Girl: I’d like to feed one with a bottle, too.

Priest: Yes, well. (Seems a little confused). I am surprised you know about lepers. Have you ever seen one in person?

Girl: Me? Oh yeah.

Priest: Did you see them in the movies?

Girl: Yeah. And real life too.

Priest: Really? Where?

Girl: Oh you know. The zoo.

[Her mother interjects]

Mom: Lepers, NOT leopards!

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Recipes:

Fruit Salad

Easy to grab and go

Easy to grab and go

http://www.momendeavors.com/2013/09/healthy-eating-ideas-for-kids-from-pbs-kids-and-whole-foods-market.html

http://www.sproutonline.com/crafts-and-recipes/recipe/yummy-yummy-fruit-salad-cups

 

Brownies

The bomb!

The bomb!

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Brookes-Best-Bombshell-Brownies/Detail.aspx?event8=1&prop24=SR_Title&e11=brownine&e8=Quick%20Search&event10=1&e7=Home%20Page&soid=sr_results_p1i2

Cookies

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Award-Winning-Soft-Chocolate-Chip-Cookies/Detail.aspx?evt19=1

So, Hungry Lifers…what’s the funniest thing a kid ever said at religious school–or at any school? What’s your kids’ favorite afterschool treat? Please leave a comment and let us all know. Thanks!

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6 Comments »

  1. Love the kid who asked “Do you really believe all this stuff?”. I would have to answer yes but with some caveats . Example: 5000 people? Really? And in those days that didn’t even include women and children (I guess they didn’t eat much). I’ll settle for a big crowd including women and children. Dig a little deeper into Noah and the ark. Come on all those animals male and female including his family on a boat he built all by himself because his kids didn’t want to help him, just like today? I’ll settle for many days of heavy rain and a boat without an outboard motor sort of like a tsunami or the major storm called Sandy. Anyway you get my drift don’t you? Loved the post!

    Comment by Bglou — March 26, 2014 @ 10:25 am | Reply

    • Maybe Jesus’ disciples overheard someone saying, “oh no, everybody’s getting hungry and there’s LIKE 5,000 people here!” If I was the one doing the miracle, peanut butter and jelly seems like a quicker, more economical option. Thanks for the comment!

      Comment by talesfromahungrylife — April 6, 2014 @ 8:52 pm | Reply

  2. One of my fondest pleasures is to hear what my kids say about God and heaven. Recently and currently I am talking to them about the real meaning of Easter; you know bunny vs. Jesus, (same thing i did at Christmas, Santa vs. baby Jesus) and who He is to all of us, very enlightening and very cute. I like the Nun who whacks the knuckles with the yardstick, when you teach as much as I do- and for as long as i have – you can kind of understand where she is coming from, chuckle, chuckle… The brownies look awesome!

    Comment by Anne — March 26, 2014 @ 6:42 pm | Reply

    • There are times when I’m in the room with kids and I think, maybe those nuns did know a thing or two. But then I get flashbacks and take it all back. The kids are hysterical and they’re the best part of teaching (which I’m sure you already know).

      Comment by talesfromahungrylife — April 6, 2014 @ 8:53 pm | Reply

  3. Maria, the girl’s comment about the cannon is great. I don’t remember any religion stories but one kid that got me at work with his response to an I Q question – “What should you do if you see thick smoke coming from the window of your neighbor’s house?” the kid said “I’d just shut the window, it’s his problem and I don’t like smoke.” Another was when a boy was asked what does transparent mean? He said, that’s when your parents live apart and you have to transport from one place to the other to see them. Try to keep a straight face!

    Comment by Tony Lagalante — March 27, 2014 @ 3:36 pm | Reply

    • Your students sound like they are actually brilliant. You should probably interview the parents. PS I don’t think I could keep a straight face.

      Comment by talesfromahungrylife — April 6, 2014 @ 8:54 pm | Reply


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