by Maria Schulz
Every once in a while, I hear on the radio or on television that someone is about to launch their very own “Farewell Tour.” Those someone’s have included Cher, The Rolling Stones, The Eagles, Motley Crue, Kiss, and even Dame Edna. I think the farewell tour I was sorriest to miss was Dame Edna’s, since I probably would’ve been laughing all night long.
Once you hear that someone is doing a farewell tour, it’s kind of a given that…well…we’re saying “farewell,” “sayonara,” and “goodbye forever!” But the funny thing is, most of them just don’t retire. I think Cher has had 7 or 8 farewell tours alone, and I distinctly remember hearing about The Rolling Stones’ first farewell tour about 25 years ago.
So you know what? I think it would be really cool if I could have my very own Farewell Tour. Don’t let the fact that I’ve never had a Welcome Tour, or even a “Who the Heck Are YOU Tour,” bother you. I have big plans! I think it would be great fun to travel the world and be fawned over and wished well. So are you ready? Let’s go.
11 Things I’d Do On My Farewell Tour
1. First off, I’d call the “sultan of sequins, the rajah of rhinestones,” Bob Mackie (yes, he’s still alive! I checked). I want him to create a stunning series of gowns for me, all of which will make me look as tall as Heidi Klum, and possibly, make me look just like her too.
2. If I could really have my way, I think I’d like to hire Heidi Klum to play me on my farewell tour.
3. While Mr. Mackie is at it, I will ask him to design a full-feathered headdress for me, because who says Cher is the only one who can rock that look? Especially if I have Heidi Klum playing me.
3. In the event that Heidi Klum refuses to return my calls (and this one is a distinct possibility), I need a backup plan. So, because I want everyone to think I’m amazing, cool, and possess super powers, I will hire Pink to teach me how to do those crazy ‘suspended 50 feet up in the air cage gymnastics’ routines that she does at her concerts.
4. Whether or not I actually do those gymnastics on my tour will depend on what I just ate for dinner and if I feel like it. Consider it a game time call. Think about it, people: I am NOT IN FACT a super hero, just someone trying to make my farewell tour a little bit more interesting.
5. I want the same people that worked for Motley Crue, Alice Cooper and Kiss to create a descending platform for me that explodes with fireworks every night. If it’s good enough for Kiss, it’s good enough for me.
6. I would like to get makeup tips from Kiss, since I know how hard it is to look good onstage under all those lights, and I have never been very good with makeup anyway.
7. I fully expect to be showered with all kinds of gifts as I make my way around the world. I think it would be fun to feel like a living legend, just like Derek Jeter. I will stand there humbly, bowing my head a little, and graciously shaking hands with the unwashed masses while I accept expensive cars, benches made of baseball bats (I think I’d rather they be made out of White Castle boxes), and cold hard cash…because unlike Mr. Jeter, I am not a millionaire.
8. Since the 5 living members of Monty Python’s Flying Circus are currently doing live shows for their own farewell tour, I will ask them to drop in. They can bring along their special guest, Stephen Hawking, if they must.
I will gladly say, “NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!” and be their Honorary Minister of Funny Walks. I am also proud to pop out of a refrigerator wearing a pink suit and bow tie, while singing “Just remember that you’re standing/on a planet that’s evolving/revolving at 900 miles an hour…”
I hear they’ve dedicated this new body of work to their dear departed co-Monty Pythoner, Graham Chapman, who died of cancer in 1989. So what do they call it in his honor? “One Down, Five to Go!” How I love their sunny optimism.
They are going to make a movie from all of these live shows, and I can’t wait to see it. Eric Idle has already proclaimed it a must-see worldwide event, and he is proud to call it “pretty filthy and disgusting.”
9. Of course, my Farewell Tour must go to London, Paris, Prague, Lisbon, Los Angeles and Manhattan, but definitely not the Hamptons on a Friday night. Why? Because I don’t want to:
- Run into Alec Baldwin, his wife/ex-wife or children, or any photographers that he might be trying to strangle or beat up
- Get stuck behind the Hampton Jitney in the HOV lane on the LIE
- Deal with the traffic on Rt. 27
10. I want to tour places like Rome, Rio de Janeiro, and Mexico City in the “Popemobile,” because I know that Pope Francis isn’t using it these days and I figure people will come flocking out to catch a glimpse of me.
I’ve chosen these three locations because I’d really like to see them without having to figure out new subway maps; I think the food would be excellent; and I could use a deep dark tan. Plus I’d like to hit some ancient ruins and maybe go to a beach party if possible.
Once I’m out and about in the Popemobile, my new fans can bring me all sorts of goodies like that bench made out of White Castle boxes; create videos of me that talk about my latest miracles (come on, I survived Catholic school…I must have at least 10 or 12 miracles in my back pocket); and shower me with cash gifts. See #7/Derek Jeter, above.
11. Of course, I’ll hit all of the Late Night TV shows. I want Jimmy Kimmel to know that I’m open to participating in any skit he wants, as long as I don’t have any prior commitments to Monty Python’s Flying Circus.
By the way, I heard that Stephen Colbert helped some author go from having sold maybe three books to about three million books. I have one message for Mr. Colbert: MENTION MY BOOK!!! I’M MORE THAN HAPPY TO GO FROM SELLING 3 BOOKS TO 3 MILLION BOOKS! There’s even a signed copy in it for you, S.C., because I’m generous that way.
I also hope to get on The Chew, The View (I hope Whoopi and I don’t get into a fist fight), and maybe even Rachel Ray. I can use some of the recipes from my book to make Torrone, Arroz con Pollo or Root Beer Floats.
Whew…all this planning is making me hungry.
This is a gourmet recipe, which seems a lot like the ones we used to make that were anything BUT gourmet. But what the heck—let’s get fancy! Use your favorite root beer and ice cream, and make it a party.
So, if you could plan your Farewell Tour, what would you do? Would you agree to pop out of a refrigerator and sing The Universe/Galaxy Song? Do you like Root Beer Floats? Please leave a comment below and let us all know. Thanks!