by Maria Schulz
School is in session, and for those of you with children, you’re right back in the thick of things. There are a million schedules to coordinate, activities to run to, meetings to attend, and of course, the dreaded tests, tests, and more tests.
Of course, you’re not a kid…you’re a parent! But now you will have to do more homework than you ever did at any time in the 12 years you attended elementary, Junior and High school, plus college, combined.
It’s been a while since I did a multiple-choice test, but in honor of the new school year, I’m all for it. Are you ready? This one’s for you. Let’s go.
Note: some of the answers are in “teen-speak,” so try to imagine it like the sounds of a screeching dolphin/your teen (think Flipper), and you’ll probably be able to decipher it.
The Back To School Multiple Choice Test (BTSMCT) For Parents
1. Your child is about to start kindergarten and must ride the school bus. She is looking forward to it, so naturally you:
a) Encourage her to look at it as a great adventure
b) Climb onto the bus and have to be physically pried off of her
c) Ask for the bus aide’s credentials and the bus driver’s license before agreeing to get off the bus
d) Drive the entire way behind the bus, every day, all year
2. For once in your life, you won a lottery, and now you are about to be a chaperone for your 2nd grader’s class trip. When you get to the Pumpkin Farm with your group, they each run off in ten different directions. You immediately:
a) Call in reinforcements (other moms) and round ‘em up
b) Secure the perimeter (other parents will help) so no one disappears
c) Grab a nearby hay bale and sit down until they all wander back
d) Yell: NOBODY GETS A FREAKIN’ PUMPKIN UNTIL YOU GET YOU’RE A@#ESS BACK HERE!
3. You are assigned to lunch mother duty for your son’s sixth grade class. Upon entering the classroom, you are overcome with sensory overload caused by:
a) The screaming and yelling of 25 hormonally insane prepubescent children
b) The smell of 25 hormonally insane prepubescent children
c) The sight of 25 hormonally insane prepubescent children
d) All of the above
4. Your child has made the Varsity football team, but he seems to be permanently attached to the bench. You should:
a) Accost the coach, because obviously he doesn’t know greatness when he sees it
b) Email the coach relentlessly until he allows your son to get in the game
c) Encourage your son to work harder in the hopes that the coach will realize he’s a member of the team
d) A and B, but not C
e) All of the above
5. Current events and language skills often come together in teachable moments. For instance, a homophone is a word that sounds the same as another word, but has a different spelling and meaning. Pick out the headline that has the correct homophone:
b) Betty White dies peacefully at home
c) Betty White likes to dye her hair
d) Betty White likes to dye her hare
ANSWER: A. Betty White IS NOT dead. But she may dye her hare.
6. If you have two children, and one child begins doing her homework at 3 pm, while the other one starts his homework at 5 pm, and each one has 4 hours of homework, which one will finish sooner?
a) The one who starts at 3 pm
b) The one who starts at 5 pm
c) The one who doesn’t turn on Chopped marathons and start their homework at 10 pm
d) All of the above
7. Which line was written by William Shakespeare?
a) “Thus, with a kiss, I die.”
b) “We are all fools in love.”
c) “The soul becomes dyed with the color of its own thoughts.”
d) “I got one less problem without cha.”
(Authors: a)Shakespeare b) Jane Austen c) Marcus Aurelius (another one with “dyeing” problems d) Iggy Pop)
8. History is the study of past events, particularly in human affairs. Which of the following statements about history is true?
a) History is a way for us to look back on events so we can learn from them
b) History is an important subject and requires a great deal of reading
c) History is the subject you go to when you have to, like, listen and stay awake because, like, the teacher will call on you if you put your head on the desk and sleep
d) All of the above
9. The probability that a woman, aged 92, would be in the headlines for dyeing as opposed to dying is probably:
a) 10,000,000 to 1
b) 100 to 1
c) 5 to 1
d) Like, my calculator broke
ANSWER: A. That Betty White is a troublemaker
10. Advertising is an important part of our pop culture. For example: if an ad is seen on Superbowl Sunday by 35 million people, it would have the power to:
a) Sell a sh@!load of candy bars
b) Make people laugh
c) Resurrect a 92-year-old woman’s career
d) Keep a 92-year-old woman from dyeing
11. If one parent has a recessive gene for blue eyes and a dominant gene for brown eyes, while the other parent has two dominant genes for brown eyes, what do you think the color of their children’s eyes would be?
c) Could it be green? I think Betty White has green eyes
d) Amber, like Edward in Twilight. He’s dreamy
e) Like, what was the question?
12. The Science Fair is coming! The Science Fair is coming! That means, as a parent, you should:
a) Run and hide. NOW
b) Start gathering necessary supplies like magnets, oak tag, markers, glue sticks, etc.
c) Hang the following sign up on your fridge: “Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.”
d) Explain what “constitute” means
Answer: All of the above
13. Your teenage daughter needs to raise approximately $3 million dollars to build a new wing on your school, where she will probably never, ever have a class. This means you must:
a) Become a contestant on Gordon Ramsey’s Master Chef, where you will learn how to cook amazing food and help raise needed funds
b) Give up sleep, because you’ll be baking cupcakes and cookies for the rest of your natural life
c) Give her a $20 bill, your car keys, and tell her to go get her own damn cake
d) Make believe you’re asleep, or in a coma, or dyeing your hare
ANSWER: C & D
14. In recent pop culture history, the vampire became a pop sensation…much like Betty White did after she got tackled in that football game/chocolate bar commercial. Does that mean that Betty is a vampire?
a) Yes, obvi.
b) Well, duh…she’s too old
c) Like, who cares? Bring out Edward Cullen!
d) Um…who’s Betty White?
15. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
a) The question is pointless and cannot be answered
b) The question is stupid. Who’s Chuck Wood?
c) I need at least one number, and preferably two, if I am going to answer this
d) Woodchucks are not like actors. They don’t have time for these silly games
16. Your daughter does not eat breakfast in the morning, and as a result, gets dizzy and passes out in her 4th period French class. You immediately:
a) Go to the school and laugh at her when she’s wheeled into the nurse’s office
b) Berate the teacher for boring your daughter into a semi-comatose state
c) Shower your daughter with breakfast bars, orange juice, and cookies
d) Horrify your child, who comes back from the nurse to find you singing “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi (ce soir)” to her delighted classmates
17. To prepare for parent teacher conferences, you will:
a) Ask your child how they are doing in class
b) Realize that your child is probably lying
c) Make a long list of grievances against the teacher that you want to discuss
d) Check the parent portal like it’s the Dow Jones and you’re Gordon Gekko in the movie, Wall Street
ANSWER: All of the above
18. In an attempt to pack a healthy lunch, you have placed a turkey and cheese sandwich on whole grain bread, apple slices, a cheese stick and a cookie into a double insulated bag that stays cold for 8 hours. You should expect that bag:
a) To come home empty
b) To be thanked for being the most thoughtful, loving, kind mother the world has ever known
c) To come home completely full, because, like, they didn’t feel like turkey and cheese today. And apple slices are so yesterday
d) To look like it just went to hell and back
ANSWER: A. Ha, ha, just kidding. C
19. While helping your child with his English homework, he asks you what a homophone is, and for an example. You tell him:
a) A homophone is someone who should not be judged or bullied
b) A homophone is the precursor to the telephone
c) A homophone is a word that is similar to another word that has a different spelling and meaning
d) Betty White didn’t die. She dyes!
20. Language is a living thing that changes over time. Each generation has it’s own slang. Match the word with the decade it’s from:
a) Whatevs e)1980s
b) Snap! f) 2010s
c) Dynomite! g) 1970s
d) Groovy! h) 1960s
BONUS QUESTION! ANSWER THIS CORRECTLY AND GET 5 POINTS IN EXTRA CREDIT!
The PTA has just left a message on your voice mail to ask you to become a Chair Person for Mirrors of the Soul, the statewide essay contest. You immediately:
a) Accept, because they obviously recognize greatness
b) Start dyeing your hare
c) Change your phone number
d) Make believe you are LBJ and inform your PTA president that if nominated you will not run, if elected you will not serve.
ANSWER: ALL OF THE ABOVE
I loved these healthy lunch ideas from Cooking Light. My favorites are Curried Chicken Salad with Apples and Raisins, Little Italy Chicken Pitas, and Tomato Soup.
So, did you hear that Betty White dyed peacefully in her home? Did you pass my BTSMC test? Do you dye your hare? Please leave a comment and let us all know. Thanks!