by Maria Schulz
Can you imagine what life must be like for Celebrity Public Relations professionals? Some days they must wake up at 2 a.m. in a cold sweat. Did one of their clients cheat on her significant other? Did a musician say something stupid at one of his concerts? Did a movie star client say something that changed them from being the world’s hero to a Hollywood antihero?
Public relations pros must be on a 24/7 damage control watch. Why? Because their clients are the type of people who would add gasoline to small, glowing embers to see the pretty flames…and then be surprised when an out-of-control fire is the end result.
I bet they’d love to tell them what they really think of them, but of course they can’t. Can you imagine the diaries they keep? It would probably be like a grown-up version of Diary of A Wimpy Kid, complete with crazed drawings and lots of exclamation points, with a little bit of Joan River’s Diary of a Mad Diva thrown in. Here is what some of the entries might look like.
For the sake of this exercise, the male client will be named “Vance” and the females will be named “Lorelei.” Ready? Let’s go.
How many times do I have to tell you—YOU ARE NOT MORE POPULAR THAN JESUS CHRIST! Stop saying that. Jesus Christ is still very popular. If I had to choose a religious person you are more popular than, it would probably be Jonah. Not nearly as popular!
What you did to that teenage singer at the AMAs was wrong. She won, not you, and therefore you should not have gotten up on that stage and said you think you deserved to win. Yes, you should apologize. No, your belief that you are a better performer should not be mentioned.
Your fans are under no obligation to get up and dance at one of your concerts. It’s their right to sit there and watch you perform. Why? BECAUSE YOU’RE A PERFORMER. They bought a ticket to see you on stage. If they want to curl up in a ball and sleep while you sing, that’s their choice. Live with it!
Screaming at fans = WRONG
Telling fans to get up and dance = WRONG
Saying that unless they’re in a wheelchair they had better get up and dance = WRONG WRONG WRONG
Making fans wave their prosthetic limbs at you to prove they can’t dance = WRONG
Sending your bodyguard to check if your fan “has a real wheelchair and SH%T = WRONG
Please tell me that you now know the difference between right and wrong. If not, we will go over this as many times as necessary.
Please understand that if your wife walks outside wearing nothing under an open, one-button jacket, the paparazzi will take pictures of her. If you don’t like it, buy her a tank top.
Having a child is truly a miracle. It is a spectacular moment in any person’s life. However, it’s important to remember: you and your husband are not the first people to do this.
No, I didn’t mean to say that Beyonce and Jay Z were the first ones to do it.
When you name your child Goat Cheese, people will make fun of you and your child relentlessly. This is simply a fact of life. The next time you have a baby, try a name like Sally or John.
The next time any reporter asks you a question, please remember:
THINK. Wait 90 seconds. Think some more. DO NOT SPEAK. If your response seems like a good one to you, call me. I will make you wait another 5 minutes while trying to talk you out of it. Only after that should you speak!
Once your comment is out there, I will do my best to spin it in an appropriate way and salvage your stupid worthless career.
Don’t forget. Twitter is forever.
You want to celebrate LITERACY, not illiteracy. They are not the same things.
Literacy = GOOD
Illiteracy = BAD
We celebrate GOOD things!
Your wedding WAS tacky!
Repeat after me: I AM NOT GOD.
Encouraging paraplegics to bodysurf at your concerts is a bad idea.
You can lay your hands on them all you like, but you can’t heal people. Didn’t I already tell you that you’re not God?
When we called you “an artistic genius,” and “this generation’s Shakespeare,” we were being paid to promote your work. Don’t believe your own spin! If tomorrow I told the world that you’re just like Superman, would you put on a cape and try to leap a tall building in a single bound?
If you insist on writing songs about your ex-boyfriends, people will make fun of you. Also, you should legally change your child’s name from Goat Cheese to…well, anything else.
If you run around with your married director, of course the Papparazzi will tell everyone. You can’t get a hair cut without causing a public relations sh!tst0rm!!! What’s next, a plantation-themed wedding?
Yes, I know it’s a Halloween costume. But any costume that puts you in a Nazi uniform or in blackface IS A BAD IDEA!
Unless you plan to star on a new reality show called “Stupid Celebrities Who Wrecked Their Careers,” you should stop. NOW!
ATT: Lorelei and Vance:
The next time I hear that you two said something stupid, I will have your left wrists tattooed with:
JUST SHUT UP
And your right wrist will say:
When in doubt, LEFT IS RIGHT
This treat, in flavors like vanilla, glazed, chocolate, and PB&J, is perfect to stuff in your face when you’re about to say the wrong thing.
So, Hungry Lifers: what would you tell a celebrity gone wrong? What’s your favorite outrageous celebrity story? Do you like donuts? Please leave a comment and let us all know. Thanks.