by Maria Schulz
Yes, it’s Halloween again! That magical day when the kids dress up in costumes, ring doorbells, and beg for candy. It’s also that day when you realize how cute your neighbor’s kids are in their Frozen or Ninja Turtle costumes, and that you forgot to buy candy.
I love Halloween and I always have. I used to think putting on makeup and running from door to door to get candy was as sacred a ritual as the search for the Holy Grail. If that shopping bag wasn’t so full it was about to give me a hernia, then it just wasn’t Halloween. I like candy so much, I even wrote about it in I Like Candy.
I always enjoyed walking with my kids and dog for hours, pounding on doors and yelling, “Trick or Treat!” The kids spent weeks finding their costumes and perfecting them, and I enjoyed helping. On the big day, I’d put on a costume too (my go-to costume was a 50s poodle skirt dress, while my dog went as a yellow Labrador). It was a fun way to meet the neighbors, get a little air, and have enough candy to last me through the next millennium.
Unfortunately, my door-to-door begging days have passed. My kids are too old to go trick or treating, and my dog doesn’t want to walk more than a few blocks. The scariest thing I’m going to see this year is the pumpkin candy holder that my co-workers put outside my door. It’s filled with candy and I’m trying to resist its siren song.
I’m sorry to see my trick or treating days end (for now), so I’m looking to start some new traditions. I’d like to watch a scary movie, but let’s face it: I’m a coward. I have written about this in past Halloween posts such as : Halloween Candy and a Movie and Halloween Thrills and Chills. It’s clear that I’m not really cut out for a movie marathon that features demons, demon spawns, witches, vampires, gore, blood, and werewolves with anger management problems. Even the commercials scare me! So in honor of Halloween, I’ve come up with some movie ideas for wimps like me. Ready? Let’s go:
Ouija Boards and Teachable Moments
A group of teenagers gather around a Ouija Board and open a portal to the great beyond. Once opened, their 3rd grade teacher returns from the dead to haunt them because they never turned in their homework. Ooooohhhhh….ARE YOU READY FOR YOUR FINAL EXAM? “I was up all night!”–Former 3rd grader.
The Cooking Exorcist
When a young girl starts vomiting pea soup and becoming disfigured, her worried family wonders if she is in fact possessed by the devil. They go to their Catholic priest for help, and he brings a world renowned Exorcist with him to help. However, after they eat at Mom’s table, it’s clear that the only thing possessed is Mom’s terrible cooking, and the kid’s disfigurement is probably just a result of Mom’s inability to leave out peanuts from her allergic child’s meals. “Scariest movie ever!”—My kids
Drag me to a Government Office
A bank loan officer turns down a sweet old lady for a mortgage, and that old coot gets nasty and damns her to hell. The loan officer ends up in a 12-hour-line at the DMV. Karma or coincidence? You decide. “I think I’ve met this old lady! Scary stuff.”–Person in line at DMV
The Atlanta Horror
A couple buys an old house as a fixer upper, but quickly begin to think that it may be haunted. The fragrance of peaches and Jean Nate perfume lurks around every corner, and crossword puzzles appear as if by magic. Just when they bring in a priest to exorcise the house, the old lady who sold them the house pops out from behind a false-wall, where she’s been living and enjoying free food and cable. She got the idea from her favorite movie, Bad Ronald. “I was absolutely terrified!”–My friend Lisa, who is still recovering from a childhood viewing of Bad Ronald
Guests keep checking into the Tates Motel, but they don’t check out. Reports get out that an odd innkeeper never takes down his vacancy signs, and lots of eerie music comes out of there late at night. Eventually, we learn that the innkeeper bursts in on guests while they shower, belting out renditions of “Tiny Bubbles” as he plays his ukulele. He then kidnaps them and forces them to join his homage band to Peter, Paul and Mary. “I was never so frightened by Puff The Magic Dragon in my whole life.”–Joni Mitchell
A Nightmare on Elm Lane
Children are going to bed and being haunted in their dreams by a deranged sock puppet/religious fanatic who wants to teach them all about embroidery, how to escape the fires of hell and be saved forever and ever.
A vampire moves in next door, and between his whiny girlfriend, baseball-playing family, and glittery skin, the neighbor can’t get any sleep. They turn to Tales From A Hungry Life’s post, Halloween Fun, for more on vampires, their annoying ways and the people who love them. “Glittery vampires! Isn’t Edward Cullen dreamy?”–Twi Mom
An evil boss with no fashion sense and no people skills lurks outside cubicles with an armful of work. His subordinates have no choice but to run and hide before he catches them and sucks the life out of them with his boring water cooler stories. “I have not only seen the movie, I’ve lived it!”–Every office worker in America
A crew on a space ship succumbs to a gut-wrenching, body-convulsing form of possession…until the last member standing realizes it was just the after effects of Taco Night.
Hell Raiser Meets Harold and Kumar
A teenager with multiple piercings, a crazy hairstyle, and so many tattoos that he’s now completely unrecognizable is on a bold and horrifying quest to find…White Castle.
The Bayside Witch Project
A movie crew composed of former Catholic schoolchildren wanders into an empty convent to see if they can find any evidence of demonic possession. But what they find is even more frightening: Sister Mary Margaret is STILL ALIVE! “AAAAAAAAA!!!”–her former students
Here’s a snack mix for you to munch on tonight, in between opening the door for little candy-seeking monsters and watching scary (or not) movies.
So, Hungry Lifers…what movie would you make for non-scary movie lovers like me? What’s your favorite part about Halloween? Have any fun recipes? Please leave a comment and let us all know. Thanks, and have a safe, fun, Happy Halloween!