Tales From A Hungry Life

October 31, 2014

Not So Scary Halloween Movies

by Maria Schulz

 

When you feel like a nut.

When you feel like a nut.

Yes, it’s Halloween again! That magical day when the kids dress up in costumes, ring doorbells, and beg for candy. It’s also that day when you realize how cute your neighbor’s kids are in their Frozen or Ninja Turtle costumes, and that you forgot to buy candy.

I love Halloween and I always have. I used to think putting on makeup and running from door to door to get candy was as sacred a ritual as the search for the Holy Grail. If that shopping bag wasn’t so full it was about to give me a hernia, then it just wasn’t Halloween. I like candy so much, I even wrote about it in I Like Candy.

I always enjoyed walking with my kids and dog for hours, pounding on doors and yelling, “Trick or Treat!” The kids spent weeks finding their costumes and perfecting them, and I enjoyed helping. On the big day, I’d put on a costume too (my go-to costume was a 50s poodle skirt dress, while my dog went as a yellow Labrador). It was a fun way to meet the neighbors, get a little air, and have enough candy to last me through the next millennium.

Unfortunately, my door-to-door begging days have passed. My kids are too old to go trick or treating, and my dog doesn’t want to walk more than a few blocks. The scariest thing I’m going to see this year is the pumpkin candy holder that my co-workers put outside my door. It’s filled with candy and I’m trying to resist its siren song.

Come to me...

Come to me…

I’m sorry to see my trick or treating days end (for now), so I’m looking to start some new traditions. I’d like to watch a scary movie, but let’s face it: I’m a coward. I have written about this in past Halloween posts such as : Halloween Candy and a Movie and Halloween Thrills and Chills. It’s clear that I’m not really cut out for a movie marathon that features demons, demon spawns, witches, vampires, gore, blood, and werewolves with anger management problems. Even the commercials scare me! So in honor of Halloween, I’ve come up with some movie ideas for wimps like me. Ready? Let’s go:

SHE'S BACK!

SHE’S BACK!

Ouija Boards and Teachable Moments

A group of teenagers gather around a Ouija Board and open a portal to the great beyond. Once opened, their 3rd grade teacher returns from the dead to haunt them because they never turned in their homework. Ooooohhhhh….ARE  YOU READY FOR YOUR FINAL EXAM? “I was up all night!”–Former 3rd grader.

The Cooking Exorcist

When a young girl starts vomiting pea soup and becoming disfigured, her worried family wonders if she is in fact possessed by the devil. They go to their Catholic priest for help, and he brings a world renowned Exorcist with him to help. However, after they eat at Mom’s table, it’s clear that the only thing possessed is Mom’s terrible cooking, and the kid’s disfigurement is probably just a result of Mom’s inability to leave out peanuts from her allergic child’s meals. “Scariest movie ever!”—My kids

It was a dark and stormy night

It was a dark and stormy night

Drag me to a Government Office

A bank loan officer turns down a sweet old lady for a mortgage, and that old coot gets nasty and damns her to hell. The loan officer ends up in a 12-hour-line at the DMV. Karma or coincidence? You decide. “I think I’ve met this old lady! Scary stuff.”–Person in line at DMV

oooooohhhhh...scary

oooooohhhhh…scary

The Atlanta Horror

A couple buys an old house as a fixer upper, but quickly begin to think that it may be haunted. The fragrance of peaches and Jean Nate perfume lurks around every corner, and crossword puzzles appear as if by magic. Just when they bring in a priest to exorcise the house, the old lady who sold them the house pops out from behind a false-wall, where she’s been living and enjoying free food and cable. She got the idea from her favorite movie, Bad Ronald. “I was absolutely terrified!”–My friend Lisa, who is still recovering from a childhood viewing of Bad Ronald

Sing it with me one more time!

Sing it with me one more time!

Psycho Sings!

Guests keep checking into the Tates Motel, but they don’t check out. Reports get out that an odd innkeeper never takes down his vacancy signs, and lots of eerie music comes out of there late at night. Eventually, we learn that the innkeeper bursts in on guests while they shower, belting out renditions of “Tiny Bubbles” as he plays his ukulele. He then kidnaps them and forces them to join his homage band to Peter, Paul and Mary. “I was never so frightened by Puff The Magic Dragon in my whole life.”–Joni Mitchell

A Nightmare on Elm Lane

Children are going to bed and being haunted in their dreams by a deranged sock puppet/religious fanatic who wants to teach them all about embroidery, how to escape the fires of hell and be saved forever and ever.

Are you a vampire?

Are you a vampire?

Fright Night

A vampire moves in next door, and between his whiny girlfriend, baseball-playing family, and glittery skin, the neighbor can’t get any sleep. They turn to Tales From A Hungry Life’s post, Halloween Fun, for more on vampires, their annoying ways and the people who love them. “Glittery vampires! Isn’t Edward Cullen dreamy?”–Twi Mom

Here's 50 things I need you to do by 9:30 a.m.

Here’s 50 things I need you to do by 9:30 a.m.

Bossfaratu

An evil boss with no fashion sense and no people skills lurks outside cubicles with an armful of work. His subordinates have no choice but to run and hide before he catches them and sucks the life out of them with his boring water cooler stories. “I have not only seen the movie, I’ve lived it!”–Every office worker in America

Yum

Killer Tacos

Alien Invasion

A crew on a space ship succumbs to a gut-wrenching, body-convulsing form of possession…until the last member standing realizes it was just the after effects of Taco Night.

Hell Raiser Meets Harold and Kumar

A teenager with multiple piercings, a crazy hairstyle, and so many tattoos that he’s now completely unrecognizable is on a bold and horrifying quest to find…White Castle.

Worth the trip.

Worth the trip.

The Bayside Witch Project

A movie crew composed of former Catholic schoolchildren wanders into an empty convent to see if they can find any evidence of demonic possession. But what they find is even more frightening: Sister Mary Margaret is STILL ALIVE! “AAAAAAAAA!!!”–her former students

 

Is that you, SISTER?

Is that you, SISTER?

Recipe:

Raisin The Dead Snack Mix

Here’s a snack mix for you to munch on tonight, in between opening the door for little candy-seeking monsters and watching scary (or not) movies.

 

Scary good.

Scary good.

So, Hungry Lifers…what movie would you make for non-scary movie lovers like me? What’s your favorite part about Halloween? Have any fun recipes? Please leave a comment and let us all know. Thanks, and have a safe, fun, Happy Halloween!

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6 Comments »

  1. My favorite non scary Halloween movie is Ghostbusters! I too am not a fan of all the gory movies and merchandise this holiday seems to bring out. I can remember the days of going out trick or treating and not coming home till our pillow cases were filled with candy. Those were the days! There were two houses we kept going back to, the first one gave out regular size candy bars. Not those fun size bars. I mean who are we kidding, we eat two or three of them at a time. The second house gave out dimes. Back then that was a lot of money. I guess I am dating myself. Great post Maria.

    Comment by Kathleen Lagalante — October 31, 2014 @ 9:36 am | Reply

  2. Halloween for me was dunking for apples over Babe’s home. The Apples had a penny, nickle or dime in it. Money was more expensive then and my teeth a lot stronger. Older times, teens, saw us throwing stink bombs into The Schillers when they answered the bell as well as knocking over garbage cans. We asked for something on Thanksgiving when we dressed up in old adult clothes and went from house to house. As to horror movies you conjured up in my mind, “The Uninvited” with Ray Milland and Gail Russel somewhere in the 1940’s which still make my hair stand up what little I have left, whenever I think of it.

    Comment by Bglou — October 31, 2014 @ 12:39 pm | Reply

  3. There is something about Vincent Price that is just so deliciously campy, so I can stand “House of Wax” even though I usually end up in tears at creature features. These were genius, Maria, particularly Bossferatu.

    Comment by Beth Goehring — November 1, 2014 @ 5:33 pm | Reply

    • Thanks Beth! Vincent Price always scared me as a kid…that’s what a wimp I am. I had a lot of fun coming up with those movie ideas, especially Bossferatu. I’m so glad you enjoyed them.

      Comment by talesfromahungrylife — November 2, 2014 @ 5:53 pm | Reply

  4. Maria, The movie I envision is about a School Psychologist who has been working for 32 years and can finally retire but there is an evil queen who cast a spell that makes it impossible to move on in life. As he keeps working the people in charge become more bizarre and tell him to do things that are in conflict with what’s right and makes sense. In this world if it makes sense it’s wrong. Each time he speaks to the evil queen the date of retirement is extended by years. I think the hero will be working until he is 100 or the evil queen thinks it is time for retirement herself. How about that!

    Comment by Tony Lagalante — November 8, 2014 @ 11:40 am | Reply

    • Could the evil queen’s name be Kathleen or Catherine The Great?

      Comment by Bglou — November 8, 2014 @ 11:46 am | Reply


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