Tales From A Hungry Life

November 25, 2014

Thanksgiving Headlines

by Maria Schulz

The crowds at the supermarkets are in a frenzy…the parking lots are full…I can’t find the can of pumpkin pie I need…it’s starting to feel a lot like THANKSGIVING!

Popcorn and toast, anyone?

Popcorn and toast, anyone?

Yes, it’s that time of year again. The day when we gather around the town square, singing while holding hands, even though the Grinch just stole all our stuff. Oh wait, that’s Christmas. Never mind.

One thing I’ve noticed is that the same headlines come out on or around Thanksgiving every year. Here are the ones that I see without fail in the days leading up to Thanksgiving, or on the sorry morning after.

hurricane sandy

  1. Weather Alert: A major storm is about to hit!

That’s right: whether you live in the Northeast corridor, southern states, middle of the country or out west, there will probably be snow, rain, hail, a cold snap, high winds, or unseasonably warm temperatures. Which means, of course, that Mother Nature just doesn’t give a hoot about Thanksgiving, and may just be un-American.

  1. More People Than Ever are Travelling This Thanksgiving:

Approximately 50 million people will be in their cars or on a plane, driving or flying to spend time with family. The journalists will gather up a bunch of people to interview and show us lots of long lines at the airports or bumper-to-bumper traffic on the highways. Look at all of them! They are exhausted, harried, and full of regret. Which is exactly how they’ll look in a couple of days on the return trip home.

Don't let this happen to you

Don’t let this happen to you

  1. Man Blows Up House While Deep Frying Thanksgiving Turkey

Is it really necessary to deep fry an entire turkey? When did roasting the turkey fall out of favor? Watch for this news item to break by Thursday night or Friday morning. There’s always someone who pours a week’s worth of oil into the fryer and then leaves it unattended…and is somehow surprised when it blows up.

  1. Average American will eat 4500 calories at Thanksgiving dinner

That is, unless they’re also drinking. Then the calorie count soars to 6000…FOR ONE MEAL! If you’ve ever counted calories, this is the equivalent of 3 or 4 entire days worth of meals. But who stops at dinner? What about that 11 pm raid on the fridge that includes a turkey sandwich and a hunk of pie? My family (like most families) is not like the Kennedy’s at Hyannisport, playing football together after dinner. We’re gearing up for the next feeding.

Not us.

Not us.

  1. Average American Gains 5 pounds during Holiday Season

I think a French woman who is busy walking around Paris all day, wearing her designer clothing, eating goat cheese and grapes, drinking Champagne, and never getting fat, probably thought up this headline. Fat people don’t only live here in America. Send me to France, and I promise I will find you at least 5 of them. It’s the goat cheese, people!

  1. Turducken Is Still A Sensation On The Thanksgiving Table

A chicken, duck, and turkey walked into a bar…and ended up a Turducken. I hear this combo, when done right, is delicious. But it seems like another instance of gilding the lily. Do I really need to eat 3 different birds in order to give thanks? Can my fryer—and 10 gallons of oil—really handle this?



  1. Cherpumple is Latest Dessert to Hit Thanksgiving Tables

Just when you thought we couldn’t figure out another way to make pigs of ourselves (wait…is there a Pigturducken in our future?), here comes the Cherpumple. This concoction is a three-layer cake with an entire pie baked into each layer — a cherry pie baked inside a white cake, a pumpkin pie baked inside a yellow cake, and an apple pie baked inside a spice cake, covered with cream-cheese frosting. The creator of this King Kong of pies says that there are a lot of ways for this dessert to go wrong. Wow, I can’t wait to try it. I have a hard enough time getting one pie to come out right, forget about 3 pies baked within cakes and stacked all together.

  1. President Pardons Thanksgiving Turkey

So…after making poor Tom sweat it out in the days leading up to his Thanksgiving Day pardon, does the President think this is enough? I think he should give Tom the Turkey a job. Maybe he should be declared the leader of the House or the newest member of the Supreme Court. He’ll fit right in!

And you thought you were having a bad day

And you thought you were having a bad day

  1. Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt’s Mother Spend Thanksgiving Together

The tabloids have been dying for Brad Pitt to stand up and say: I MADE A MISTAKE! I WANT JENNIFER BACK! This despite the fact that he’s been with Angelina Jolie for 100 years now, and they have approximately the same number of children together. Plus, Jennifer Aniston is (reportedly) going to marry Justin Somebody and have 12 kids of her own, even though she may be 75 by the time this all happens. Listen, if Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt’s mother are friends and share some turkey together, good for them. They obviously have a more enduring relationship than Jennifer and Brad ever did. P.S. WHO CARES?

  1. Carbohydrate Coma Well Established Phenomena

What came first: the turkey, or the carb coma? Is it the tryptophan in the turkey that causes you to want to lie on the couch and watch all that football? Or maybe it’s the stuffing, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, biscuits, gravy, and twelve different pies you shoveled into your face, in addition to the 3 bottles of wine? Nah, it’s probably just the turkey.

Keep Papa close

Keep your enemies close and Papa Smurf closer

  1. Papa Smurf Feels Up Parade-Goer at Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade

Folks, if Mother Nature wants to crank up the ol’ wind machine on Thanksgiving Day, maybe they should ground Papa Smurf, not to mention all of the other balloons too. If 50 Macy’s employees have to tether themselves to ropes and hold Papa about 2 feet off the ground, what’s the point? On the flip side, letting Papa run wild and free could have some unintended consequences, especially when he decides to bust a move.

  1. Stampede At [INSERT NAME HERE] –Mart

Do we really need to have stores open on Thanksgiving Day? Yes, I know that greed and saving 99 cents are ingrained in every American’s psyche, but is the desire to get trampled to death also a core American right? What about the poor people who have to work these days?

My heroes

My heroes

I worked in retail a hundred years ago, and I never realized that those conditions would now be considered the glory days. You were off on a national holiday because the store was CLOSED. We got to enjoy Thanksgiving dinner with our families, lay on the couch in a carb coma, and watch a million hours of football and The March of the Wooden Soldiers, just like God and the Founding Fathers intended. Then, we got up the next morning and were ready to meet the crazed crowds on Black Friday.

Because as Linus might say, “that’s what Thanksgiving Day is really all about, Charlie Brown.”



Try it, if you dare.

As much fun as Turducken and Cherpumple

As much fun as Turducken and Cherpumple

Salted Caramel Cupcakes

This recipe was a winner on Cupcake Wars and has gotten rave reviews.

So, what’s your favorite Thanksgiving headline? Do you think Brad and Jenn will ever get back together again? Are you ready for Cherpumple? Please leave a comment and let us all know. Thanks, and Happy Thanksgiving!







  1. You nailed it Maria. All day yesterday I was thinking….”Hmmm sick kid in the house and a storm alert…it must be November!” Now I realize I meant “sick kid in the house and a storm approaching…it must be almost Thanksgiving!” Hope you are well. 🙂 Patty

    Comment by Patty — November 25, 2014 @ 9:45 am | Reply

    • Patty, I hope your child is feeling better. I had fun writing this post–thanks for reading it! Stay healthy and have a happy Thanksgiving!

      Comment by talesfromahungrylife — November 25, 2014 @ 11:40 am | Reply

  2. Thanksgiving while American in nature really was made for the Italians to add another feast day to eat from 1 PM to 5 PM. Clean up. Play cards from 6 PM to 7:30 PM so they could eat some more. I can’t do it anymore regardless of the tradition that all Italians, must, have to eat till they bust because they never bust. It is all about gluttony.
    Gluttony and adultery were two of the things that I remembered driving all the Italians I knew, not my father of course. My Mom told him way back before there was any idea that women had, needed or wanted any rights, that if he intended to follow his brothers or other “greenhorn” activity like that he would not survive long. But the fact of the matter is that my father just wasn’t the type of Italian who had the time he was always working and I believe he really loved my mom or was afraid of her. But she of course pushed the gluttony thing and she became fat, diabetic and he always remained skinny and healthy which infuriated her. But I digress. My Thanksgiving is that they were my parents and I am Italian-American, (of course).

    Comment by Bglou — November 25, 2014 @ 5:14 pm | Reply

  3. As usual you made me giggle. I might even try to make those cupcakes someday!

    Comment by Paula — November 25, 2014 @ 11:04 pm | Reply

  4. I missed the headline about the cherpimple/dumple whatever thing – it sounds like gluttony on steroids! Happy Thanksgiving, Maria. The readers of your blog are thankful for your witty sense of humor!

    Comment by Lisa — November 28, 2014 @ 9:14 am | Reply

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