by Maria Schulz
The crowds at the supermarkets are in a frenzy…the parking lots are full…I can’t find the can of pumpkin pie I need…it’s starting to feel a lot like THANKSGIVING!
Yes, it’s that time of year again. The day when we gather around the town square, singing while holding hands, even though the Grinch just stole all our stuff. Oh wait, that’s Christmas. Never mind.
One thing I’ve noticed is that the same headlines come out on or around Thanksgiving every year. Here are the ones that I see without fail in the days leading up to Thanksgiving, or on the sorry morning after.
- Weather Alert: A major storm is about to hit!
That’s right: whether you live in the Northeast corridor, southern states, middle of the country or out west, there will probably be snow, rain, hail, a cold snap, high winds, or unseasonably warm temperatures. Which means, of course, that Mother Nature just doesn’t give a hoot about Thanksgiving, and may just be un-American.
- More People Than Ever are Travelling This Thanksgiving:
Approximately 50 million people will be in their cars or on a plane, driving or flying to spend time with family. The journalists will gather up a bunch of people to interview and show us lots of long lines at the airports or bumper-to-bumper traffic on the highways. Look at all of them! They are exhausted, harried, and full of regret. Which is exactly how they’ll look in a couple of days on the return trip home.
- Man Blows Up House While Deep Frying Thanksgiving Turkey
Is it really necessary to deep fry an entire turkey? When did roasting the turkey fall out of favor? Watch for this news item to break by Thursday night or Friday morning. There’s always someone who pours a week’s worth of oil into the fryer and then leaves it unattended…and is somehow surprised when it blows up.
- Average American will eat 4500 calories at Thanksgiving dinner
That is, unless they’re also drinking. Then the calorie count soars to 6000…FOR ONE MEAL! If you’ve ever counted calories, this is the equivalent of 3 or 4 entire days worth of meals. But who stops at dinner? What about that 11 pm raid on the fridge that includes a turkey sandwich and a hunk of pie? My family (like most families) is not like the Kennedy’s at Hyannisport, playing football together after dinner. We’re gearing up for the next feeding.
- Average American Gains 5 pounds during Holiday Season
I think a French woman who is busy walking around Paris all day, wearing her designer clothing, eating goat cheese and grapes, drinking Champagne, and never getting fat, probably thought up this headline. Fat people don’t only live here in America. Send me to France, and I promise I will find you at least 5 of them. It’s the goat cheese, people!
- Turducken Is Still A Sensation On The Thanksgiving Table
A chicken, duck, and turkey walked into a bar…and ended up a Turducken. I hear this combo, when done right, is delicious. But it seems like another instance of gilding the lily. Do I really need to eat 3 different birds in order to give thanks? Can my fryer—and 10 gallons of oil—really handle this?
- Cherpumple is Latest Dessert to Hit Thanksgiving Tables
Just when you thought we couldn’t figure out another way to make pigs of ourselves (wait…is there a Pigturducken in our future?), here comes the Cherpumple. This concoction is a three-layer cake with an entire pie baked into each layer — a cherry pie baked inside a white cake, a pumpkin pie baked inside a yellow cake, and an apple pie baked inside a spice cake, covered with cream-cheese frosting. The creator of this King Kong of pies says that there are a lot of ways for this dessert to go wrong. Wow, I can’t wait to try it. I have a hard enough time getting one pie to come out right, forget about 3 pies baked within cakes and stacked all together.
- President Pardons Thanksgiving Turkey
So…after making poor Tom sweat it out in the days leading up to his Thanksgiving Day pardon, does the President think this is enough? I think he should give Tom the Turkey a job. Maybe he should be declared the leader of the House or the newest member of the Supreme Court. He’ll fit right in!
- Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt’s Mother Spend Thanksgiving Together
The tabloids have been dying for Brad Pitt to stand up and say: I MADE A MISTAKE! I WANT JENNIFER BACK! This despite the fact that he’s been with Angelina Jolie for 100 years now, and they have approximately the same number of children together. Plus, Jennifer Aniston is (reportedly) going to marry Justin Somebody and have 12 kids of her own, even though she may be 75 by the time this all happens. Listen, if Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt’s mother are friends and share some turkey together, good for them. They obviously have a more enduring relationship than Jennifer and Brad ever did. P.S. WHO CARES?
- Carbohydrate Coma Well Established Phenomena
What came first: the turkey, or the carb coma? Is it the tryptophan in the turkey that causes you to want to lie on the couch and watch all that football? Or maybe it’s the stuffing, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, biscuits, gravy, and twelve different pies you shoveled into your face, in addition to the 3 bottles of wine? Nah, it’s probably just the turkey.
- Papa Smurf Feels Up Parade-Goer at Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade
Folks, if Mother Nature wants to crank up the ol’ wind machine on Thanksgiving Day, maybe they should ground Papa Smurf, not to mention all of the other balloons too. If 50 Macy’s employees have to tether themselves to ropes and hold Papa about 2 feet off the ground, what’s the point? On the flip side, letting Papa run wild and free could have some unintended consequences, especially when he decides to bust a move.
- Stampede At [INSERT NAME HERE] –Mart
Do we really need to have stores open on Thanksgiving Day? Yes, I know that greed and saving 99 cents are ingrained in every American’s psyche, but is the desire to get trampled to death also a core American right? What about the poor people who have to work these days?
I worked in retail a hundred years ago, and I never realized that those conditions would now be considered the glory days. You were off on a national holiday because the store was CLOSED. We got to enjoy Thanksgiving dinner with our families, lay on the couch in a carb coma, and watch a million hours of football and The March of the Wooden Soldiers, just like God and the Founding Fathers intended. Then, we got up the next morning and were ready to meet the crazed crowds on Black Friday.
Because as Linus might say, “that’s what Thanksgiving Day is really all about, Charlie Brown.”
Try it, if you dare.
This recipe was a winner on Cupcake Wars and has gotten rave reviews.
So, what’s your favorite Thanksgiving headline? Do you think Brad and Jenn will ever get back together again? Are you ready for Cherpumple? Please leave a comment and let us all know. Thanks, and Happy Thanksgiving!