Tales From A Hungry Life

October 28, 2015

Not-So-Scary Halloween Movies

by Maria Schulz

Trick or Treat

Trick or Treat

With Halloween coming, there are a ton of commercials on TV for the latest spooky, scary, spine tingling, made in a day and cheap as can be movies out there. If you can play a slasher, stalker, zombie, psycho, witch hunter, demon slayer, vengeful demon, or homeowner of a possessed home you refuse to leave, you’re in luck.

If you’re like me, these movies do nothing except add onto the already sleepless nights you’re having. Is that noise on my roof an acorn…or A SEVERED HEAD? Is Jack the Ripper coming back through a portal in my closet TO KILL ME? How do I protect myself from the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE? I’d take a sleeping pill, but nobody needs me out driving around while I’m still asleep.

Since I don’t need any help frightening myself, I’ve come up with a few Halloween movies that people like me can really enjoy. So, here are my:

The early years

The early years

8 Not-So Scary Halloween Movies for Wimps Like Me

  1. MIDDLE AGED WEREWOLF: our hero remembers his glory days as a Teen Wolf when a terrifying night out meant lots of blood, huge memory gaps where he apparently painted the town red by killing lots of people, and some severe social problems caused by being a blood-thirsty maniac. These days, he works all day long at a soul-crushing desk job, does 12 loads of laundry at night, drives his teen werewolf kids to paint the town red, has huge memory gaps that are not caused by having any fun, and goes to bed by 10 pm. “Terrifying!” Middle-Aged Parent
  1. ZOMBIE H.R.: In the post-apocalyptic world, our Zombie H.R. hero must navigate the many social issues caused by regular folk having to work with zombie folk. He must call humans into his office to remind them that they have to wear torn, bloody rags, not have their mothers call to complain about work policies, and stop threatening to kill their co-workers just because they want to eat their brains. Since most offices don’t have lots of workers with brains, the carnage is kept to a minimum. “I’d love to find a motivated worker, even if he was a zombie.” H.R. professional
  1. SEVEN + SEVEN: A psycho has been leaving the word LEGCAPS in perfect script on a chalkboard easel along with the math problem of the day, with a note explaining that it needs to be re-written 100 times in perfect handwriting, erased, and then both erasers clapped for at least 5 minutes or there will be HELL TO PAY. The cops have no idea what that’s supposed to mean. The break in the case comes when one of the officers (a Catholic school kid) realizes that LEGCAPS stands for the Seven Deadly Sins (Lust/Envy/Greed/Covetousness/ Avarice/Pride/Sloth) and that the math problem can’t be solved because it was never taught. A used tissue on the ground makes him realize that the psycho is actually SISTER FELICITY! “I knew it was her all along!” Terrified former student

    Is that you, SISTER?

    Is that you, SISTER?

  1. GRIMM REALITY: After a poor performance review, God realizes that the Grimm Reaper is burnt out. In His infinite wisdom, He sends Grimm to earth to live among mankind where he must work as a midlevel business executive. He goes by the name “Mr. G.,” works endlessly in PowerPoint and Excel, participates in fantasy football, and talks a lot about metrics, quotas, and return on investment. He soon realizes that he would like to kill himself, but he can’t, since he is Death. “What a nightmare!” Non-business executive
  1. DEMON SEED: A demonic force possesses the soul of a landscaper and wreaks havoc on all of the lawns in town. Crabgrass! Dandelions! Burnt patches! Empty spots! Untrimmed Bushes! Now the local priest with a green thumb must take on this unholy visitor and send it back where it belongs…the city. “CRABGRASS! UGHHHH!” Stressed-out suburbanite

    OH NO...WEEDS!

    OH NO…WEEDS!

  1. NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD DMV: The undead take over the local Department of Motor Vehicles…and for the first time in anyone’s memory, it begins to run with speed and efficiency. “I’ve never enjoyed going to the DMV more!”—Moviegoer
  1. CHRISTINE: A middle-aged woman takes a sleeping pill to get some rest. As far as she’s concerned, she’s asleep. Actually, she is driving around town mowing down unsuspecting pedestrians, eating tacos, and singing with a mariachi band. “Hey…that’s just like my dream last night!” Middle-aged movie-goer

    Are you a vampire?

    Are you a vampire?

  1. TWILIGHT: A young, bored teenage girl starts dating a local boy who may just be a 100-year-old vampire. Oh wait…this is a real movie. “I cried when Kristen and Rob broke up! I’m a Twi-Mom!” –Scariest Moviegoer of All

Here are my choices for some real movies that let you celebrate Halloween without the gore:

young frankensteinYoung Frankenstein

Arsenic and Old Lace

Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein

Monster House

Psycho

The Birds

Any Twilight parody

The Hunger Games

The Nightmare Before Christmas

Meet Me in St. Louis (funny Halloween scene, because as my husband always says, somebody has to kill the Brunkhorsts)

Monsters, Inc.

Get your popcorn here!

Get your popcorn here!

Recipe: Scary-Good Halloween Popcorn

2 cups Popcorn (air-popped)

½ cup gummy worms

½ cup gummy bears

½ cup M&Ms

½ cup of your favorite chocolate (Hershey bar, Kit Kats, or Nestle Crunch, chopped)

Salt & Pepper to taste

Cayenne to taste (optional)

Cinnamon to taste (optional)

Make popcorn. Add salt and pepper to taste, plus a little cayenne, or cinnamon instead. Toss the popcorn with the spices of your choice, and then add gummies, M&Ms, and/or a favorite candy bar that’s been chopped into bits. Grab a handful and enjoy! Don’t forget to share.

So, Hungry Lifers: what would the plot of your not-so-scary movie be? Please leave a comment and let us all know. Thanks—and Happy Halloween!

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11 Comments »

  1. Arsenic & Old Lace a very funny picture. The Cat and The Canary another funny movie. Both a little scary. That’s the type I like. But the the scariest of all was Gail Russel and Ray Milland in The Uninvited. I purposely left the quotation marks off the titles and did not use italics just to annoy all the copywriters and editors who may read this because that might be the scariest of all made into a picture. 😉

    Comment by bglou — October 28, 2015 @ 9:41 am | Reply

    • I think I watched The Uninvited with you when I was a kid. That was scary! Almost as scary as that movie with Burt Lancaster (The Swimmer?). Not scary as in Halloween scary, but scary because it was very long and I didn’t understand the point of any of it. Thanks for weighing in. See, I didn’t use quotation marks either. I’m living on the edge!

      Comment by talesfromahungrylife — October 31, 2015 @ 12:11 pm | Reply

  2. Loved the post as usual especially the HR Zombie piece. I feel like a Zombie after staying up late last night to watch the game! Anyway, my scariest movie ever was “The Birds” Still can’t sit through that. My speed today is more Hocus Pocus with the Sanderson sisters!

    Comment by Kathleen — October 28, 2015 @ 9:47 am | Reply

    • My HR-related gags are usually meant just for you, Kathie. I knew you’d get a kick out of that one. The Birds never scared me, but it was creepy. I love how Hitchcock suggests violence and gore but you don’t really see anything. I tried to watch his old TV show late one night and had to turn it off! It was scary on a psychological level. Great stuff!

      Comment by talesfromahungrylife — October 31, 2015 @ 12:13 pm | Reply

  3. This is hilarious! On a scary note, my favorite terrifying movie of all time is “The Haunting” (1963) with Julie Harris. When the door breathes, and when she thinks she’s holding someone’s hand and that person is not, chills up the old spine!
    Happy Halloween! From Mr. Artie Dog, Los Gatos and me!

    Comment by wordimprovisor177 — October 28, 2015 @ 11:11 am | Reply

    • Happy Halloween! Thanks for the suggestion, but I’m afraid of your description. Don’t think I’ll watch that one! LOL. Kiss Mr. Artie Dog and Los Gatos for me.

      Comment by talesfromahungrylife — October 31, 2015 @ 12:15 pm | Reply

  4. Excuse me, but where’s the mention of the movie Bad Ronald?? Hilarious post, Maria! I like your movie ideas better than any of the real ones, especially Grimm Reality!

    Comment by lisasafran — October 29, 2015 @ 7:48 am | Reply

    • Bad Ronald WAS TERRIFYING! Although I was laughing really hard through most of it. I’m glad you enjoyed Grimm Reality. That one terrified me the most. 🙂

      Comment by talesfromahungrylife — October 31, 2015 @ 12:16 pm | Reply

  5. Maria, my scary movie would be called The Man Who Cannot Retire. He goes to work for thirty years, day in day out, year in year out. When its time to retire his wicked wife casts a spell that makes everyone believe he is too young to retire. No one sees he’s done and wants to move on, the spell puts fear into everyone’s life that they will never have enough money to retire. The masses side with the wicked wife and the man is destine to work until he’s 80 years old and drops dead the day before he is to retire. Now that’s scary!!!!

    Comment by Tony Lagalante — November 15, 2015 @ 7:59 pm | Reply

  6. how about from dusk to dawn most of the family is killed by vampires in a random bar – after being kidnapped by thugs (george clooney – quentin tarentino it’s a blast!

    Comment by veronica — November 18, 2015 @ 10:59 am | Reply

    • Veronica, I was scared just reading this. I’m not a Quentin Tarantino fan! Do they not have an age limit at that bar? What’s George Clooney doing there without his wife? Scary!

      Comment by talesfromahungrylife — November 19, 2015 @ 8:44 pm | Reply


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