Tales From A Hungry Life

October 7, 2015

My Halloween Kryptonite

by Maria Schulz

This morning, I ate a healthy breakfast (egg whites and spinach on an English muffin) and packed some snacks for later (bananas, apples, Greek yogurt). I even packed a big bottle of water that I could refill throughout the day, because I dehydrate easily.

I hit all my exercise goals yesterday and got a big jump on them this morning. I was feeling pretty good about myself as I strolled into work.

And then…I encountered my Halloween nightmare. No, it wasn’t Freddie Krueger, Sister Felicity, or Donald Trump. It was someone even scarier.

It was Smiling Jack…a.k.a. the office candy basket.

Come to me...

Come to me…

To put this in superhero terms, if I was Superman, Smiling Jack would be my Lex Luther….and the chocolate inside of him would be my kryptonite.

I met Smiling Jack for the first time last year. He sat outside my cubicle door, with his big, gap-toothed grin, radiating his pumpkin-vibed siren song. COME TO ME, he sang, sounding remarkably like France Joli in her 1970s hit.

This jaunty decoration/pumpkin tease made an early appearance last week, but no one felt like filling him with candy. Oh, thank you sweet Lord. Not because I dislike chocolate. I do! I really do! If chocolate was Sally Field, she could definitely say that I like her, I really like her.

I really do like her

I really do like her

I breathed a sigh of relief. It’s only the first week in October. Nobody would bring in chocolate this early! Or maybe I’d get lucky, and they’d bring in lollipops, sweet tarts, and candy corn. I hate candy corn!

But everything changed today when one of my co-workers bought a super deluxe, big-enough-to-hide-a-couple-of-giants-in bag o’sweet chocolate goodness for everyone. But mostly, I think, for me.

When you feel like a nut.

When you feel like a nut.

I didn’t expect to face this kind of temptation so soon. If I had to pick a character from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory to perfectly represent my feelings when in the presence of candy, I’d have to go with Augustus Gloop.

augustus gloop

Almond Joy! Kit Kats! Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups! Nestle Crunch! Was Smiling Jack laughing at me? I’m not sure, but I guess I could’ve asked him. We saw each other approximately 300 times today.

Why is it that bananas, apples, and Greek Yogurt don’t have the same siren song as Smiling Jack? Is it because there’s not some big Greek yogurt basket filled with healthy goodies sitting outside my office door? What would a Greek yogurt basket even look like? Would John Stamos hold it? Would he sing a siren song to me? If he did, would it be “Lady Marmalade” by Patti LaBelle?

Gitchy gitchy ya ya ya ya

Gitchy gitchy ya ya ya ya

Let me think about that while I munch on my 47th Kit Kat.

Fortunately, all of my coworkers also seem to have the bionic hearing necessary to tune in to Smiling Jack’s siren song. Within minutes of his arrival, they all showed up like locusts in a Bible story. Soon there was nothing left but empty candy wrappers, broken promises, and a trail of tears.

I must admit, I was the one crying once the candy was gone. But then my co-worker said, “Don’t worry! I have about 30 pounds more in my desk!”

“Great!” I said, when what I should have said was, “Please move that f!#4Ing basket away from my desk before I launch myself into a diabetic coma!”

I need to figure out a way to avoid the candy tomorrow. So, here are my:

I'll give you twelve good reasons...

I’ll give you twelve good reasons…

12 Ways To Talk Yourself Out of A Candy-Bar-Induced Haze

  1. Suggest candy corn refills for Smiling Jack. Pronto!
  2. Walk away. Or in my case, turn away.
  3. Move that orange bas!2rd across the floor
  4. Remember: you never liked that song by France Joli
  5. When in doubt, eat Greek yogurt
  6. Imagine how good you’ll feel when you’re not 300 pounds
  7. Ask yourself: are you really hungry?
  8. Stop telling yourself to shut up because you are really hungry. No you’re not!
  9. Two words: candy zits
  10. All the calories you ate in chocolate – all the calories you burned this week = 2 extra pounds
  11. Make believe you’re 10 and you gave up chocolate for Lent
  12. Ask yourself: WWJSD? (What Would John Stamos Do?)


Healthy Halloween Treats

Treat yourself to pumpkin pudding, chocolate dipped clementines, 5-Ingredient Dark Chocolate bark, and more.


So, Hungry Lifers: what’s your favorite Halloween treat (good, bad, or really scary?) Leave a comment and let us all know. Thanks!