by Maria Schulz
I was listening to the radio the other day when the DJ announced the results of their unofficial Halloween survey. The topic was: What are the Top 10 Scariest Halloween Movies of all Time? The answers weren’t exactly what I was expecting.
The happy family
9) The Exorcist
8) The Omen
6) The Shining
5) Friday the 13th
4) The Blair Witch Project
3) A Nightmare on Elm Street
2) The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Okay…what I want to know is: how on earth did The Exorcist come in at #9??? That movie freaked me out FOR YEARS! Likewise, The Omen messed with my head for far longer than I ever thought it would. And while I know from talking to my mother that Psycho was a truly scary, terrifying movie back in the prehistoric era—and it belongs on a scary movie list—there’s no way I would’ve ranked it as the scariest movie of all time.
I never thought The Shining was scary. Creepy, sure. Jack Nicholson axing his way through the door was kind of funny. But scary? Nah. Likewise, The Blair Witch Project did not scare me at all.
In fact, since The Blair Witch Project was a movie I saw on one of those early parenthood date nights, I remember being bored and almost falling asleep while watching it. At one point, the main female character yells, “We’re all gonna die OUT HERE!” and I yelled: “We’re all gonna die IN HERE!”
As you can see from my post, Halloween Candy and a Movie, I have a long and tortured history with some really scary movies. My Top Ten Scariest Halloween Movies list would look like this:
10) The Terminator
9) The Silence of the Lambs
6) The Birds
5) Bram Stoker’s Dracula
3) A Nightmare on Elm Street
2) The Omen
1) The Exorcist
And while we’re at it, here are five of my favorite “funny” Halloween movies:
5) Fright Night (the 1985 version)
4) Monster House
3) Scary Movie
2) The Nightmare Before Christmas
1) Young Frankenstein
Speaking of movies that were funny and not necessarily scary, no Halloween post would be complete if I didn’t mention the phenomenon that was the Twilight series.
When my older daughter went through her Twilight phase, I read the books and watched the movies. I didn’t see what she saw in them, but I figured, “this can’t last forever…right?”
Right…until my younger daughter encountered Twilight. Oh geez. Here we go again.
I discussed this movie in some detail in my blog post Valentine’s and Vampires, but I still find myself wanting to understand more about Edward Cullen. Why do young women (and older women who should know better) love him?
It got me thinking…as long as I have to have this character in my house constantly, why can’t I ask him some questions along the lines of “what makes Edward Cullen TICK?” Sure, the answer is probably deer hunting and sullen-faced teen beauties, but come on! I have questions! So here’s my:
Team Edward or Team Jacob?
Interview with a Glittery Vampire
ME: So, Edward, thanks for coming here. I know how busy and tormented you undead folks are, so I really appreciate it.
EDWARD: Certainly. I understand how much it means to ardent Twi-Moms like you.
ME: Um…yeah. So, are you mad at your “father,” Carlisle Cullen, for making you a vampire?
EDWARD: Yes and no. Yes, because I kind of think it crosses the boundary of patient/doctor relationship. I mean, I was dying of the Spanish Influenza in 1918. Don’t you think maybe I would’ve preferred dying to being undead? I’m just sayin.
And then again, no. I really love being a tortured, undead person forever and ever.
ME: Really? Don’t you ever get sick of being 17?
EDWARD: Well, maybe a little. I mean, I am sick of going to graduations and listening to the valedictorian. You’d think I’d get at least one shot at being the valedictorian myself—I mean, I’ve had over 90 tries at it—but NOOOOO.
ME: You’ve got to be pretty sick of the prom, right? I mean, I only went to one and that was enough.
EDWARD: I know, right? Except my vampire friends tend to keep things interesting.
ME: How’s that?
What’s not to love?
EDWARD: Well, there was this time that my vampire pal, James, crashed the prom and killed all the chaperones. Ha, ha, boy was that a fun prom. We had a keg and everything! Or the time that my vampire brother, Jasper, cried because he wasn’t voted Prom King and he killed everyone! Boy, those were some good times.
ME: So, I guess you were not surprised when Victoria showed up and started to plot Bella’s death at the prom?
EDWARD: Oh, I knew she was there. One of my undead abilities, in addition to glittering in the sunlight, is a very keen sense of smell. So I knew Victoria was hanging around.
ME: What does she smell like?
EDWARD: White Castle. You can smell her from miles away.
Worth the trip.
ME: But when you caught her smell, weren’t you worried about Bella?
EDWARD: No, at first I was just hungry. It’s what I crave!
ME: But what about when you realized it was Victoria?
EDWARD: Oh, yeah well. Once I knew it was Victoria, I was kind of disappointed. But then, I was kind of glad. The truth is, that night Bella was a drag. I kinda wanted Victoria to kill her. I mean, she didn’t even compliment my tuxedo. AND what was with those clunky shoes?
ME: She had to wear those shoes since James tried to kill her…because of you.
EDWARD: Oh sure, get technical. Anyway, I can’t go to the prom with the same human every year! Plus I couldn’t really bust a move because James broke her leg. So that meant that I had to be all romantic. Yuck.
ME: Okay, moving on…. I need to know something. How exactly did you realize you glitter?
EDWARD: Funny story! I was still eating humans at the time (it’s a really hard habit to break. Sort of like smoking, or playing Candy Crush Saga). Anyway, I was tracking this big fat guy who would’ve held me over for days when I stepped out into the sunlight.
All of a sudden, I had 40 humans pointing at me screaming, ‘He shimmers! He sparkles! HE MUST BE RADIOACTIVE!’ Of course, that was when I lived on Love Canal, so I wasn’t the only one.
ME: You mean they didn’t realize you are a vampire?
EDWARD: What the hell kind of vampire did you ever hear of that shimmers? Most of the vampires I’ve met spend their days lounging in a coffin because they’ve got this Goth thing going on. But me? I had to have a vampire Dr/Dad from a beach town! He was totally into sunshine so now he glimmers in the sunlight instead of burning or tanning. And now every vampire he’s ever made does too!
ME: Is that why you skip school so often?
EDWARD: No! I’m working on my valedictorian speech. I’ve taken Intro to Statistics 95 times, and I can tell you that the odds of my becoming valedictorian get greater and greater every single year.
ME: Now that you have 95 diplomas, why don’t you just go to college? Or maybe get a job?
EDWARD: Well, my Dad says that people in college ask too many questions. Like, say I had to share a dorm room with 3 other guys. They might wonder why I never sleep or eat or drink. Plus, my 95 framed high school diplomas might give me away.
ME: But you could still get a job.
EDWARD: I had a job once working the late shift at the Taco Bell drive through.
ME: How did that go?
EDWARD: I was forced to quit after I ran after a carload of diners and dashers.
ME: Oh no! Did you kill them?
EDWARD: No, I gave them their Nachos Bell Grande before I realized that they never paid me. My boss got so mad he threatened to make me clean the walk-in-freezer, so I quit. I mean, that walk-in freezer is SCARY!
Wait! Wait! Your Nachos!
ME: All righty…let’s move on. Does Jacob threaten you? Are you afraid that one day Bella might leave you for him?
EDWARD: Well, I was in the beginning. But then I realized how much she loves me when I inexplicably broke up with her in the middle of a forest and left her laying there for days, despite the fact that Victoria was looking for her and meant to kill her. I mean, if that’s not love, what is?
ME: Don’t you think that was kind of…stupid?
EDWARD: Possibly, but when you’re a 112-year-old vampire, you see humans do lots of stupid things.
ME: Like what?
EDWARD: Let’s take Bella’s dad, for instance. He’s a cop that never seems to realize that his population of 100 people consists of about 98 vampires and werewolves. So, he and Bella are the only people who aren’t actually dead. Doesn’t that seem stupid to you?
ME: Sure does. But what kinds of stupid things have you seen Bella do?
EDWARD: There was the day she went to the gym wearing her “Team Jacob” tee shirt. She thought it was hilarious, but it took a dozen silver bullets and an entire box of milk bones to get rid of Jacob.
And he’s the happy-go-lucky one
ME: That does sound pretty dumb. Say, young girls really seem to love you. Can you explain why?
EDWARD: It could be the horrible way I treat Bella. Chicks dig that. Or it could be that I’m insanely jealous of that dog she hangs out with.
ME: Do you mean Jacob?
EDWARD: No, I mean Pepita, her Chihuahua. Pepita loves to say, “Bella loves me more than you!”
ME: Are you saying that you and the dog can talk to each other?
EDWARD: Yes and no. Pepita is from Tijuana, so her accent is hard to get sometimes. But mostly, yes.
ME: Okay! Look, I know you have a lot of important, undead-related activities to attend to, especially with Halloween right around the corner.
EDWARD: No problem, I’ve got all eternity! Ha, ha, ha. Little vampire humor there for you.
ME: Right! So if you could share the most romantic things you’ve ever said or done to win Bella over, what would they be?
EDWARD: First of all, say sweet things like, “I love watching you sleep when you don’t know I’m even here,” and “I hate you for making me love you. I wish you were dead!” Girls love that! And if your girl friend ever says, “did you follow me?” you should always reply, “Of course I followed you! I even watch you when you’re in the bathroom. I have X-Ray vision, you know.” Another line that always kills (literally) is: “I’d rather see you dead than with him.”
ME: Anything else?
Meet the in-laws
EDWARD: Yes. Remember, when romancing a young lady, make sure to take her to fancy places like Rome. Introduce her to your friends, even if doing so can end up with her being killed by a weird Vampire council.
Next, promise her a beautiful wedding on a lush tropical island. Make sure you leave out the part about impregnating her with your demonic half-vampire spawn, though. It kinda ruins the fantasy.
Promise you will fight to the death for her no matter what. Then kill her. This way, she and your demonic half-spawn can fight too.
Accept her friends, no matter how much you might like to kill them. This one is true even for non-vampire relationships. Just remember to insist that they keep their shirts on, get de-clawed, and go for weekly flea dips.
ME: Unfortunately, that’s all we have time for. Thanks for answering my questions, Edward.
EDWARD: My pleasure! I haven’t had this much fun since World War I!
ME: That’s it, folks. Next year, I’ll try to interview Bella if and when her undead schedule permits.
Dead Man Meatloaf
This recipe looks easy to make, got great reviews, and is a scream! I forgot to ask Edward if he likes meatloaf, but it looks good to me.
When I was little, my mom used to make the best stuffed peppers. Here’s a recipe for stuffed peppers with a Halloween twist:
Jack-o-Lantern Stuffed Peppers
So, Hungry Lifers: which movies are your scariest Halloween picks? Funniest Halloween movies? If you could ask Edward Cullen one question, what would it be? Please leave your comments below, and let us all know. Thanks!